So, last night instead of filling out scholarship applications, I had a mini-crisis of identity, and rambled it all on Twaudio. As I said in the Tweet, do not listen unless you want to die and lose all respect for me.
This crisis consists of a few components:
Let’s assume I hate chocolate. Then, let’s assume SHINee is dark chocolate. Result? Michelle-in-corner stuffing her face with dark chocolate even though she detests all chocolate-ty goodness in her black, coal and cholesterol filled heart. I tell others that there’s a distinction between being a SHINee fangirl and a kpop fangirl. Then most other people laugh at me and say I’m pretentious and point to my huge music library of kpop, my one-time, quasi-infatuation with G-Dragon and superfluous praise of Big Bang and 2NE1. To them, I say, “But I like electronic music! Look at all my europop! I love blond-hair—TOP looks fabulous now)!! Plus, 2NE1 and Big Bang consistently make good music!!!” Everyone still says I’m pretentious, trying to rise above my kpop fangirl status, just saying I like the music, yeah right, because kpop is an entire entertainment package. No way you can just eat the dark chocolate without voraciously consuming the other chocolates in the box (I hate coconut).
To add to my kpop virginity, I can honestly confess I have never seen music videos by these following artists: 2PM, 2AM, 4minute, IU, Brown Eyed Girls, Dalmation, F.T. Island, f(x), SNSD (I used to have “Gee” on my iPod, but have since deleted it), KARA, HyunA, U-Kiss, Secret, missA, Teen Top, and ZE:A. Surprised?
Korean culture ??
I have made it a goal to learn Korean. Reasons: (1) I like learning languages, personal goal to pick up Spanish this summer (2) kpop is becoming a brain drain = Michelle being stupid for a good chunk of time (3) I am increasingly conscious of all the badly translated things I read/watch after I took a course in translation. Note that nowhere in these goals is an actual desire or passion for Korean culture. I never want to live, study, or work in Korea. Heck, I’d rather live in Italy or Japan, but if I probably do live in Asia, it’ll be Hong Kong. Imma Chinese. I like Korean individual stuffs, like Jonghyun. The actual Korean culture, well, let’s just say that real Chinese food pawns Korean food (kimchi ew).
Overall, I’m not invested in the Korean culture itself. I like a boy group, and I like several songs in the genre. Like I like some of Lady Gaga and some of Britney Spears, but that doesn’t mean I like Rihanna. One of the reasons I turned down an intern position at a really, really good kpop news site was the simple fact is I don’t care about the kpop culture enough. I could care less if 2NE1 visited the Pinkberry and liked the lychee froyo. Even if SHINee had visited, I wouldn’t rush down to the only Pinkberry in Boston to buy some (though I did have its lychee froyo yesterday—uninspiring). This kind of news is best left on fan sites and forums.
Real-life Michelle v. Online Michelle
When you meet me in person, I rarely talk about kpop. Mostly, I complain about school. Or my Chromebook. On my private Twitter, I have two followers with whom I work with on blogging for kpop news, and I’m sure they’re both annoyed with my non-kpop Tweets.
23 march 2011 dahhhhhh I woke up at 8:45AM. I had work starting at 8:30AM. TT___TT I am such a dumbass!!!!!!
22 march 2011 “I have ten years of shoujo manga expertise!” .. definitely the greatest expertise to claim
21 march 2011 mom offered to buy me an iPad, then retracted it saying I already had a Chromebook =_____=
21 march 2011 drinking a $40 Bird’s Nest drink.. life is good..
21 march 2011 I don’t understand!! who is the gnome that turned off my “Compact & Clean for Google Reader” extension?!!!!!!! wtf
20 march 2011 just learned that Alan Greenspan went to Juilliard for saxophone. but then dropped out. iono what to feel. impressed or is he a BUM. bum bum
*I excluded a lot of Tweets in which I ranted on plagiarism.. I got plagiarized quite a few times this past week.
I know a lot of my readers stem from kpop, which is great, but then the thing is, when I describe myself to anybody, kpop is probably the last thing I will use. Heck, I’d probably talk at length about the intricate connections between William Faulkner and Samuel Beckett and my hate of Cormac McCarthy’s “Blood Meridian” before I mention kpop.
Then, at the end of my long, analyzing rant, I was unable to come to a conclusion if I was a fangirl or not. Honestly, is it a bad thing to be a fangirl? No. But it definitely changes how I think about myself. Because, look, if Imma be ranting on fangirls about how dumb they are sometimes, and I’m actually one of them… see where the irony lies? Silly thing to keep me up at night, but I dun wanna be a hypocrite for the people that I’m writing this blog for.
BBC seriously needs to do new adaptations of Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters. Never mind ridiculously good ones have already appeared within the last 15 years. I need to return to my banana Asian American ways before I melt in identity crises.